A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'
I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I'll let you know.
What do you call a poor Santa Claus?" "St. Nickel-less.
5/4 of people admit they're bad at fractions.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know...
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Never mind—it's tearable.
What do you call a toothless bear? A gummy bear!
What's a writer's favorite train station? Penn Station.
Why did the coach go to the bank? To get his quarterback.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, 'Hey, bartender. I'll have one beer and a mop.
I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.
I signed up for a marathon, but how will I know if it's the real deal or just a run through?
Want to hear a joke about construction? I'm still working on it.
What do you call an angry musician flipping someone off? A song bird.
What's brown and sticky? A stick.
Why did the man fall down the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me.
I used to be a personal trainer. Then I gave my too weak notice.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
Can February March? No, but April May!
I tell dad jokes, but I don't have any kids. I'm a faux pa.
Want to know why nurses like red crayons? Sometimes they have to draw blood.
What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toad.
What's either a really gross animal issue OR an impressive, magical school? Hogwarts.
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.
Dad, can you put the cat out?" "I didn't know it was on fire.
I used to hate facial hair...but then it grew on me.
What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum?" "A meltdown.
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
I told my doctor I heard buzzing, but he said it's just a bug going around.
What animals are the best to call if you get locked out of your house? Monkeys.
What do you call an unpredictable camera? A loose Canon.
What's Forrest Gump's password? 1forrest1
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was out standing in his field.
Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!
I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine, he woke up.
I told my girlfriend she drew on her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
What did one Dorito farmer say to the other? "Cool Ranch!"
What do you call it when a group of apes starts a company? Monkey business.
What's it called when kittens get stuck in a tree? A cat-astrophe.
Why did two tall people get along so well? The could really see eye to eye.
Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.
I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What do you call two monkeys that share an Amazon account?" "Prime mates.
Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
What did one furniture maker say to another during a tense discussion? "Let's table this."